Thoughts from the Pulpit
The thoughts of Cardinal Fang are not reflective of those of TorontoMazda3.ca but can be likened however to those of a lesbian trapped in a very skinny man’s body.
" To summarize: it is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it. To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting elected President should on no account be allowed to do the job. To summarize the summary of the summary: Men are the problem. "
— Douglas Adams
After reading with interest the 10 reasons why Women are bad drivers it slowly became apparent why I really didn’t laugh all that much. You see I couldn’t in good conscience appreciate the gist of the humor when I had a chorus of estrogen-laden voices in my head yelling “POT, KETTLE, BLACK!” So in the interests of fair play and brownie points with my significant other I present to you my reasons why men behave the way the do around cars. Or as my wife would refer to it, “Men and Cars, WTF?”
Men don’t look after themselves like they do their Cars.
Men will labor for hours to ensure their cars are so meticulously clean only an obsessive compulsive could understand. Yet they’ll walk out of the house with the same underwear for a week straight. They’ll put money down for only the best products for their car’s performance. Yet, have no problem complaining about a $20.00 hair cut. Men can gawk at their cars for hours. Yet our tolerance for making sure we use a mirror properly in the morning before going to work is only 10 seconds. My wife’s favorite comment “did you bother to see what you looked like before leaving?”
Men Equate Cars with Sex.
Men believe that chicks dig men in flashy cars. No word on penis size though. Men love sex because it’s a natural desire we are all born with. So naturally, men look at cars as a… now brace yourself for this amazing yet cleaver pun….men look at cars as the “VEHICLE” by which they’ll get women. Guys will sit in cars with the seat so far back they can’t see over the steering wheel in order to give women the impression they look good. They’ll rev the cars engines in order to get a women’s attention not realizing that most women believe penis size is inversely proportional to engine displacement. And then there’s that awesome stereo system. Nothing says “he baby” more than a middle-aged guy in a car with ONTZ…ONTZ…ONTZ…..ONTZ…..ONTZ coming from behind the glass.
Men take pictures of their cars like it was their children.
Just as a child is growing up men too will take pictures of their cars at every stage of their development. There’s the “I just bought my car picture” (Home from the Hospital Stage). The “check out my cars new rims picture” (Baby’s First Steps Picture). The “I have a dent the size of the Grand Canyon picture” (Baby’s First Fall). The “check out my new grille picture” (Boy Gets Braces). And of course the “check out my dyno sheet or tracking day pictures” (Boy becomes a Man Stage).
Men have no sense of direction.
We don’t really. We like to think we do but we actually don’t. Most believe that GPS was invented by the United States Department of Defense and Dr. Ivan Getting. Truth is it was Mrs. Getting who became so annoyed at her husbands in ability to formulate the words “I have no clue where I’m going” that she thought to herself why doesn’t he invent something that well tell him where he is at any given time in any given place. Moreover, why doesn’t he come up with a neat interface that tells him where he is. Say like a voice. And then give him the option of choosing which type of voice, male or female, he would like to ignore.
Cars Test Men.
Men need to be tested. Its part of their DNA or as my wife likes to put it “that’s what’s wrong with your type!” From the dawn of the first time when man left the cave with a club they instinctively knew they were going to do battle with the beast for survival. There’s only one beast still around that we can test ourselves against and I don’t mean our wives. I’m talking about the combustion engine. It’s baffling, humbling and amazing all at the same time. By driving the car in the aggressive and ridiculous way we’ve become accustomed to we are “taming the beast.” We are risking our lives in taming that beast. I would like to see that “option” to check off on the back of the speeding ticket by the way.
Men invented NASCAR
Enough said. Seriously, I really don’t need to get into this do I? I mean loud cars that only turn left, an oval, booze and red necks. Come on!!!!
Men Name their Cars.
I’ll never understand this but I think it has to do with Men forming personal relationships with their cars. Their cars become their friends. So much so that they feel the need to give them a name. A name that identifies the car to its owner. A name that will make the relationship between man and car much more personal. The car will now answer to its rightful owner. Let’s not get into the fact that the car is about as loose as a hooker and will answer to anyone who puts the key into the ignition and fills it up with gas.
Men love to talk about their cars.
A study revealed that cars feed into the mans need for possession and the sense of belongingness and acceptance. If you'll observe, men are very confident when it comes to cars topic. They can speak and talk confidently to other men openly about their cars. It is that topic that engages men into conversation and gives them a basis to decide who’s stronger. Whereas in the animal kingdom the guy with the biggest penis usually wins. If you’ve ever been around guys talking about cars you would think it’s a forgone conclusion that the pants will drop at any time. I call it the Auto-Penii Theory.
Men are bigger versions of Boys around Cars.
Men are children, they never grow up. It is an open secret that a man is just a grown-up kid. Little girls play dolls in their childhood, while boys play toy cars. As girls grow up, they get married and have children, who become a substitute for childish games. As for boys, they keep on playing toy cars even when they grow into serious adult men. Men always compare their toys in an attempt to find out whose toy is better or bigger (see Auto-Penii theory).