Cardinal Fang
11-23-2005, 10:35 AM
Well, according to the weather reports tonight (Tuesday Nov 23) we will receive between 2\" to 5\" of snow depending on your location in southern Ontario. While normally I viewed the first snowfall as a sign that Christmas was coming as I grew up I was struck with the stark truth.
The first snowfall always illustrates how farking stupid people are. Now normally, this wouldn\'t bother me because I figure if you\'re going to drive like you\'ve had a total lobotomy than you deserve to have your expensive S.U.V turned upside down on the shoulder of the road. No this isn\'t what happens now is it? No! By some miracle of Intelligent Design and God\'s warped sense of humor, the \"Stupid people\" are allowed to take us along for the ride.
*Looks around*
Let me explain to you what I\'ve learned over the years from watching these idiots. And trust me I\'ve had plenty of time to watch and observe considering I\'ve been stuck in traffic for hours!
1. The amount of snowfall is inversely proportion to the amount of grey matter used to navigate through the snowfall.
2. S.U.V.\'s operate much better when you over compensate for slight skidding.
3. Cars have much more traction when you have 10\' \"rooster tails\" emanating from spinning tires. That\'s \"tyres\" for our British readers.
4. It\'s really kwel to drive around with snow pilled high on your roof and rear windshield. The affect of the snow flying off your car like smoke adds extra style points as you just begin to over compensate for the vehicles skidding.
5. Constantly hitting your breaks rapidly, thereby causing your break lights to turn into strobe lights is the best way to indicate to the driver behind you that you are attentive. The only problem I see here is that if the person behind this driver suffers from epilepsy you may be triggering his/her seizures.
6. When driving through turns its best to treat them as if you were at a \"drifting\" contest.
7. When breaking at an intersection be sure to use the car in front of you as a concrete bumper.
8. For those of you who don\'t drive. Be sure to place the snow you removed from your driveway onto the street. It\'s the only time the drivers treat these piles of snow as small animals and accelerate to hit them.
9. When driving, make sure that you have the proper attire on to keep warm. This should include gloves the limit your hand movements and coats with parkas that restrict visibility when you are turning your head to make a lane change.
10. When passing another vehicle be sure to use your signal, make the lane change and then pass them leaving about 2\" between your passenger door and their driver door. Nothing tells the other driver that you\'re \"so in control\" of your car more than this. Unless it\'s #2.
11. Use your turn signals to indicate to all other drivers of your intent to turn but just keep driving straight. This insures that all lanes around you are clear for you to begin your 360 spins.
12. The white stripes down the centre of the road are meant to be straddled. Those of you who had the remote control racing cars that ran on the track, while growing up, know exactly what I mean.
So there you have it. Lets have a great start to the season and to the person that will tag me from behind tomorrow I say to you: I plan on vacationing in the south of France this year and I will get the money to do it.
*Falls off soapbox*
The first snowfall always illustrates how farking stupid people are. Now normally, this wouldn\'t bother me because I figure if you\'re going to drive like you\'ve had a total lobotomy than you deserve to have your expensive S.U.V turned upside down on the shoulder of the road. No this isn\'t what happens now is it? No! By some miracle of Intelligent Design and God\'s warped sense of humor, the \"Stupid people\" are allowed to take us along for the ride.
*Looks around*
Let me explain to you what I\'ve learned over the years from watching these idiots. And trust me I\'ve had plenty of time to watch and observe considering I\'ve been stuck in traffic for hours!
1. The amount of snowfall is inversely proportion to the amount of grey matter used to navigate through the snowfall.
2. S.U.V.\'s operate much better when you over compensate for slight skidding.
3. Cars have much more traction when you have 10\' \"rooster tails\" emanating from spinning tires. That\'s \"tyres\" for our British readers.
4. It\'s really kwel to drive around with snow pilled high on your roof and rear windshield. The affect of the snow flying off your car like smoke adds extra style points as you just begin to over compensate for the vehicles skidding.
5. Constantly hitting your breaks rapidly, thereby causing your break lights to turn into strobe lights is the best way to indicate to the driver behind you that you are attentive. The only problem I see here is that if the person behind this driver suffers from epilepsy you may be triggering his/her seizures.
6. When driving through turns its best to treat them as if you were at a \"drifting\" contest.
7. When breaking at an intersection be sure to use the car in front of you as a concrete bumper.
8. For those of you who don\'t drive. Be sure to place the snow you removed from your driveway onto the street. It\'s the only time the drivers treat these piles of snow as small animals and accelerate to hit them.
9. When driving, make sure that you have the proper attire on to keep warm. This should include gloves the limit your hand movements and coats with parkas that restrict visibility when you are turning your head to make a lane change.
10. When passing another vehicle be sure to use your signal, make the lane change and then pass them leaving about 2\" between your passenger door and their driver door. Nothing tells the other driver that you\'re \"so in control\" of your car more than this. Unless it\'s #2.
11. Use your turn signals to indicate to all other drivers of your intent to turn but just keep driving straight. This insures that all lanes around you are clear for you to begin your 360 spins.
12. The white stripes down the centre of the road are meant to be straddled. Those of you who had the remote control racing cars that ran on the track, while growing up, know exactly what I mean.
So there you have it. Lets have a great start to the season and to the person that will tag me from behind tomorrow I say to you: I plan on vacationing in the south of France this year and I will get the money to do it.
*Falls off soapbox*