The Official Monty Python Quote Thread

[She_Prime]

Like the title states post your favourite quotes in here or start arguments with Monty Python quotes.

What do you do with witches?

We burn them!

What else do you burn?

Wood!

*throws them some wood*

:gone

[Cardinal Fang]

*Walks in and slaps She_Prime in the face with a fish just for the Halibut*

[Iceman_F1]

*Walks in and slaps She_Prime in the face with a fish just for the Halibut*

Was it named Eric? Why would you do that with your pet fish? :loco

[Cardinal Fang]

Was it named Eric? Why would you do that with your pet fish? :loco

To be honest. I would have hit her with my pet parrot but he's tired right now and resting after a long squawk. He's been there for a while now come to think of it.

[She_Prime]

*Walks in and slaps She_Prime in the face with a fish just for the Halibut*

Ouch, I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper

[froggy]

*Walks in and slaps She_Prime in the face with a fish just for the Halibut*

sir robin (?) to Arthur: what a strange person!

Arthur: Is there anyone else up there that we can talk to?

[Cardinal Fang]

No. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.

[Iceman_F1]

sir robin (?) to Arthur: what a strange person!

Arthur: Is there anyone else up there that we can talk to?

On second thought, let's not go there...it's a silly place

[She_Prime]

On second thought, let's not go there...it's a silly place

What a strange person...

[froggy]

do not let anyone in or out of this room, unless the prince says, right sir?

[mazdabetty]

http://trollcats.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/wtf_trollcat.jpg

[Iceman_F1]

do not let anyone in or out of this room, unless the prince says, right sir?

No no...you two *points to froggy and she_prime* stay here and make sure 'E *points to cardinal fang* doesn't leave till I get back...

[She_Prime]

http://trollcats.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/wtf_trollcat.jpg


She must be a witch as well

[Iceman_F1]

She must be a witch as well

How do you know she is a witch? Is she made out of wood?

[She_Prime]

How do you know she is a witch? Is she made out of wood?

She could be, we could build a bridge out of her to find out!

[froggy]

She could be, we could build a bridge out of her to find out!

or we can see if she weighs as much as a duck, because if she weighs as much as a duck, then she floats, and if she floats she must be made of wood so.... she's a witch

[Iceman_F1]

I'm sorry...my walk has gotten sillier as of late and it's taken me longer to get here...

and now for something completely different...

Bravely bold Sir Froggy rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Froggy!
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Froggy!

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken;
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away;
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Froggy!

His head smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his pen--

[She_Prime]

That's, uh, that's enough music for now, Iceman... looks like there's dirty work afoot.

[froggy]

I'm sorry...my walk has gotten sillier as of late and it's taken me longer to get here...

and now for something completely different...

Bravely bold Sir Froggy rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Froggy!
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Froggy!

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken;
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away;
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Froggy!

His head smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his pen--

that's quite enough there minstrell.

[She_Prime]

that's quite enough there minstrell.

Oh shut up and go and change your armour.

[froggy]

someone (I don't know who's responsible) should make a giant animated smashing foot smiley.


and is this where I can sign up for an argument?

[Iceman_F1]

someone (I don't know who's responsible) should make a giant animated smashing foot smiley.


and is this where I can sign up for an argument?

Sure...Do you want to have the full argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?

[froggy]

Sure...Do you want to have the full argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?

well what would be the cost?

[Iceman_F1]

Yes, it's $1 for a five-minute argument, but only $8 for a course of ten.

[Cardinal Fang]

Yes, it's $1 for a five-minute argument, but only $8 for a course of ten.


Iceman: No you did not.
Cardinal Fang: Yes I did.
Iceman: No you didn't.
Cardinal Fang: Yes I did.
Iceman: No you didn't.
Cardinal Fang: Yes I did.
Iceman: No you didn't.
Cardinal Fang: Yes I did.
Iceman: You didn't.
Cardinal Fang: Did.
Iceman: Oh look, this isn't an argument.
Cardinal Fang: Yes it is.
Iceman: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.
Cardinal Fang: No it isn't.
Iceman: It is!
Cardinal Fang: It is not.
Iceman: Look, you just contradicted me.
Cardinal Fang: I did not.
Iceman: Oh you did!!
Cardinal Fang: No, no, no.
Iceman: You did just then.
Cardinal Fang: Nonsense!
Iceman: Oh, this is futile!
Cardinal Fang: No it isn't.
Iceman: I came here for a good argument.
Cardinal Fang: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
Iceman: An argument isn't just contradiction.
Cardinal Fang: It can be.
Iceman: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
Cardinal Fang: No it isn't.
Iceman: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.
Cardinal Fang: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
Iceman: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
Cardinal Fang: Yes it is!
Iceman: No it isn't!
Iceman: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.

* short pause*

Cardinal Fang: No it isn't.
Iceman: It is.
Cardinal Fang: Not at all.
Iceman: Now look.
Cardinal Fang: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
Iceman: What?
Cardinal Fang: That's it. Good morning.
Iceman: I was just getting interested.
Cardinal Fang: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
Iceman: That was never five minutes!
Cardinal Fang: I'm afraid it was.
Iceman: It wasn't.

*Short pause*

Cardinal Fang: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.

[Iceman_F1]

Iceman: No you did not.
Cardinal Fang: Yes I did.
Iceman: No you didn't.
Cardinal Fang: Yes I did.
Iceman: No you didn't.
Cardinal Fang: Yes I did.
Iceman: No you didn't.
Cardinal Fang: Yes I did.
Iceman: You didn't.
Cardinal Fang: Did.
Iceman: Oh look, this isn't an argument.
Cardinal Fang: Yes it is.
Iceman: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.
Cardinal Fang: No it isn't.
Iceman: It is!
Cardinal Fang: It is not.
Iceman: Look, you just contradicted me.
Cardinal Fang: I did not.
Iceman: Oh you did!!
Cardinal Fang: No, no, no.
Iceman: You did just then.
Cardinal Fang: Nonsense!
Iceman: Oh, this is futile!
Cardinal Fang: No it isn't.
Iceman: I came here for a good argument.
Cardinal Fang: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
Iceman: An argument isn't just contradiction.
Cardinal Fang: It can be.
Iceman: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
Cardinal Fang: No it isn't.
Iceman: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.
Cardinal Fang: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
Iceman: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
Cardinal Fang: Yes it is!
Iceman: No it isn't!
Iceman: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.

* short pause*

Cardinal Fang: No it isn't.
Iceman: It is.
Cardinal Fang: Not at all.
Iceman: Now look.
Cardinal Fang: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
Iceman: What?
Cardinal Fang: That's it. Good morning.
Iceman: I was just getting interested.
Cardinal Fang: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
Iceman: That was never five minutes!
Cardinal Fang: I'm afraid it was.
Iceman: It wasn't.

*Short pause*

Cardinal Fang: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
Iceman: What!?
Cardinal Fang: If you want me to go on arguing you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
Iceman: But that was never five minutes just now ... oh Come on!

*Cardinal Fang looks round as though Iceman wasn't there*

Iceman:This is ridiculous.
Cardinal Fang: I'm very sorry, but I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
Iceman: Oh. all right. (pays) There you are.
Cardinal Fang: Thank you.
Iceman: Well?.
Cardinal Fang: Well what?
Iceman: That was never five minutes just now.
Cardinal Fang: I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
Iceman: I've just paid.
Cardinal Fang: No you didn't.
Iceman: I did! I did! I did!
Cardinal Fang: No you didn't.
Iceman: Look I don't want to argue about that.
Cardinal Fang: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay
Iceman: Aha! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing ... got you!
Cardinal Fang: No you haven't.
Iceman: Yes I have ... if you're arguing I must have paid.
Cardinal Fang: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Iceman: I've had enough of this.
Cardinal Fang: No you haven't.
Iceman: Oh shut up!

*he leaves and sees a door marked complaints; he goes in*

Iceman: I want to complain.
She_Prime: You want to complain ... look at these shoes ... I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.
Iceman: No, I want to complain about ...
She_Prime: If you complain nothing happens ... you might just as well not bother. My back hurts and ...

[She_Prime]

That would totally be me, regardless of a direct quote or not!

[froggy]

Iceman: What!?
Cardinal Fang: If you want me to go on arguing you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
Iceman: But that was never five minutes just now ... oh Come on!

*Cardinal Fang looks round as though Iceman wasn't there*

Iceman:This is ridiculous.
Cardinal Fang: I'm very sorry, but I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
Iceman: Oh. all right. (pays) There you are.
Cardinal Fang: Thank you.
Iceman: Well?.
Cardinal Fang: Well what?
Iceman: That was never five minutes just now.
Cardinal Fang: I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
Iceman: I've just paid.
Cardinal Fang: No you didn't.
Iceman: I did! I did! I did!
Cardinal Fang: No you didn't.
Iceman: Look I don't want to argue about that.
Cardinal Fang: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay
Iceman: Aha! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing ... got you!
Cardinal Fang: No you haven't.
Iceman: Yes I have ... if you're arguing I must have paid.
Cardinal Fang: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Iceman: I've had enough of this.
Cardinal Fang: No you haven't.
Iceman: Oh shut up!

*he leaves and sees a door marked complaints; he goes in*

Iceman: I want to complain.
She_Prime: You want to complain ... look at these shoes ... I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.
Iceman: No, I want to complain about ...
She_Prime: If you complain nothing happens ... you might just as well not bother. My back hurts and ...

Iceman I want to complain. (Froggy who is just inside the door hits man on the head with a mallet) Ooh!
Froggy No, no, no, hold your head like this, and then go 'waaagh'! Try it again. (he hits him again)
Iceman Waaghh!
Froggy Better. Better. But 'waaaaaghh'! 'Waaaagh'! Hold your hands here ...
Iceman No!
Froggy Now. (hits him)
Iceman Waagh!
Froggy That's it. That's it. Good.
Iceman Stop hitting me!
Froggy What?
Iceman Stop hitting me.
Froggy Stop hitting you?
Iceman Yes.
Froggy What did you come in here for then?
Iceman I came here to complain.
Froggy Oh I'm sorry, that's next door. It's being hit on the head lessons in here.

[froggy]

this should be stickied as a wednesday Humpday this doesn't count for your post count thread lol

[She_Prime]

I agree!

[froggy]

lol never a mod around when you need them, Ami, Ryan???


Maybe we'll have to get them a shrubbery first before they sticky this. not a very big one but a nice looking one.

[Iceman_F1]

lol never a mod around when you need them, Ami, Ryan???


Maybe we'll have to get them a shrubbery first before they sticky this. not a very big one but a nice looking one.

As long as they don't ask us to use a herring to cut down all the trees in a forest...

[crystal8484]

Totally missed this thread yesterday. AMAZING.

"red. no blue! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2411/2383408863_878c85933d.jpg

[froggy]

neee, neee, neeee

[Zoom Zoom Boy]

The salmon mousse...

[Iceman_F1]

The salmon mousse...

Did you buy it canned from a store? Cause that's not such a smart idea!

[froggy]

Down at an english fair, one evening I was there when I heard a showman shouting underneath the Blare.

I've got a lovely bunch of coconauts.
There they are all standing in a row. 1,2,3,4,
Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head, and bigger,give them a twist a flick of the wrist that's what the showman said....

[Zoom Zoom Boy]

Did you buy it canned from a store? Cause that's not such a smart idea!

Shut-up! You ***cing pompous Americans with your "let me tell you this and your let me tell you that! Your dead now...."

[Dan Da Man]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tFylQ6_1bgQ

Bahahaaaa

[fatsock]

Man: Here's one-
Cart-master: Ninepence.
Old Man: (feebly) I'm not dead!
Cart-master: (suprised) What?
Man: Nothing! Here's your ninepence....
Old Man: I'm not dead!
Cart-master: 'Ere! 'E says 'e's not dead!
Man: Yes he is.
Old Man: I'm not!
Cart-master: 'E isn't?
Man: Well... he will be soon-- he's very ill...
Old Man: I'm getting better!
Man: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.
Cart-master: I can't take 'im like that! It's against regulations!
Old Man: I don't want to go on the cart....
Man: Oh, don't be such a baby.

[froggy]

Man: Here's one-
Cart-master: Ninepence.
Old Man: (feebly) I'm not dead!
Cart-master: (suprised) What?
Man: Nothing! Here's your ninepence....
Old Man: I'm not dead!
Cart-master: 'Ere! 'E says 'e's not dead!
Man: Yes he is.
Old Man: I'm not!
Cart-master: 'E isn't?
Man: Well... he will be soon-- he's very ill...
Old Man: I'm getting better!
Man: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.
Cart-master: I can't take 'im like that! It's against regulations!
Old Man: I don't want to go on the cart....
Man: Oh, don't be such a baby.

Old Man: I think I'll go for a walk
Man motions to cart-master, cart master hits old man with a club
Man: thank you very much dumps old man into cart
Cart-master continues along
Cart-master: Bring out your dead!

[Cardinal Fang]

And now for something completely different........

[Cardinal Fang]

And now, here is a magnificent recording made in the Wide Valley, of an ordinary travel agents office. Note the huge-breasted typist in the background.

[froggy]

Hey Fang no interest in making this a humpday (wednesday) thread, where it doesn't count toward your total? I think It might keep it fresher. but on the other hand, I never wanted to be an online forum poster! I wanted to be a lumberjack! Jumping from tree to tree down the mighty rivers of British Columbia!....

[slam525i]

Old Man: I think I'll go for a walk
Man motions to cart-master, cart master hits old man with a club
Man: thank you very much dumps old man into cart
Cart-master continues along
Cart-master: Bring out your dead!

You missed the key line!

old man: I think I'll go for a walk
Man: You're not fooling anyone. [to the cart-master] Can't you do something?
old man: I feeel, haappppppyy........
*THUNK*



That old man and the weird way he says "I feel happy" sometimes pop up in my mind for no apparent reason... :bang

[Zoom Zoom Boy]

Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great...:No Homo Smiley

[JMAK74]

Cardinal Fang: And what are you doing this morning?
Xerox: It's a birth.
Cardinal Fang: Ah. And what sort of thing is that?
JMAK74: Well, that's where we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy.
Cardinal Fang: Wonderful what we can do nowdays.

Father: The mill's closed. There's no more work. We're destitute.
Children: Ohhhhh.
Father: I'm afraid I have no choice but to sell you all for scientific experiments.

Maitre d': Good evening sir and how are we today?
Mr. Creosote: Better.
Maitre d': Better?
Mr. Creosote: Better get a bucket. I'm gonna throw up.
After eating a ton of food and throwing up repeatedly in a bucket
Maitre d': And finally, a wafer thin mint.
Mr. Creosote: Fark-off
Maitre d': It is on the house
Mr. Creosote: Okay...

Cardinal Fang: Ah, I see you have the machine that goes ping. This is my favorite. You see we lease it back from the company we sold it to and that way it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account.
[Everyone in the room applauds]
Cardinal Fang: Thank you, thank you.

And probably my most favourite quote:

"The comfy chair!"

[froggy]

You missed the key line!

old man: I think I'll go for a walk
Man: You're not fooling anyone. [to the cart-master] Can't you do something?
old man: I feeel, haappppppyy........
*THUNK*



That old man and the weird way he says "I feel happy" sometimes pop up in my mind for no apparent reason... :bang

lol I knew something didn't seem quite complete there.

[openuser]

Say no more!

.. have you ever slept with a lady? ... what´s that like?

[froggy]

consult the book of armaments!

[froggy]

this thread is not resting! It is dead! this thread has passed on! It is no more! deceased! pushing up daisy's! Has breathed it's last!













seriously hopefully one day it will be resurected to it's former and rightful glory sleep in peace noble thread *cries, wipes away a tear*

[Iceman_F1]

this thread is not resting! It is dead! this thread has passed on! It is no more! deceased! pushing up daisy's! Has breathed it's last!


seriously hopefully one day it will be resurected to it's former and rightful glory sleep in peace noble thread *cries, wipes away a tear*

I think the thread is just probably pining for the fjords.

[emcdonnell]

"Noooooobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!"
I've forgotten what their main weapons were.... can anyone help?

I always wondered if Cardinal Fang's name was inspired by this skit

"fetch the Comfy chair"

[Iceman_F1]

"NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is suprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again."

:gone

[emcdonnell]

/\ /\ thank-you.
your mother was a hamster and your father smells of alderberries(? spelling)
now go before i taunt a second time!

[froggy]

What have the Romans done for us??!!















*i'm so glad life is returning to this thread* tear! your right it was just pining for the fjords*

[Iceman_F1]

What have the Romans done for us??!!

*i'm so glad life is returning to this thread* tear! your right it was just pining for the fjords*

YEAH! Apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?! :complain

[froggy]

YEAH! Apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?! :complain

don't forget the brothels!